


I'll Drown In All My Reasons I'm Not Okay

by Eternal Scribe (Shadowcat)



Series: I’m Learning Things I Didn’t Want To Know [1]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Road Trip, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Consensual Incest, Fíli Angst, Fíli Feels, Hand Jobs, Hurt Kíli, Kili angst, Kíli Has Trauma, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Fíli, References to Torture, Sibling Incest, Tissue Warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-09
Updated: 2018-10-09
Packaged: 2019-07-28 13:21:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16242482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowcat/pseuds/Eternal%20Scribe
Summary: It's been two years since Fíli had seen his younger brother Kíli and he had thought that once Kíli returned home from his latest assignment with the Peace Corps that they could spend some real time together. However, the brother that has returned to them is not the Kíli that everyone remembers. He's sullen and withdrawn and seems to have lost his spark.Desperate to help his brother -- and his heart -- with whatever is bothering him, Fíli organizes an epic road trip across the country. Just the highway, the two of them, and plenty of time to get to the bottom of the shadows in Kíli's eyes.He had no idea that the secrets Kíli had been keeping from him were so bad that they had broken the one he loved above all others.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [girlmarvel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/girlmarvel/gifts).



> Written for Girlmarvel/Damnitfili for Durin’s Day 2018.
> 
> Story based on this [Artwork](http://damnitfili.tumblr.com/image/152705329263) by Girlmarvel/Damnitfili.

It should have been much harder -- to some members of their family -- to get the youngest Durin to agree to this crazy idea his older brother had come up with. However, for reasons unknown to everyone else, the unusually withdrawn and sullen Kili had jumped at the chance to join his older brother.

Which led to this moment, the two of them laying on their backs on the hood of Fili’s prized green 1978 Dodge Ram Charger in silence as they looked up at the stars.

Kili hadn’t spoken much since they had left their family in southwestern Maine. In fact, for the first two or three hours of the trip, he had been completely silent as he had stared out the window. However, the further they drove from Cape Elizabeth and everything there Fili would swear he could see Kili shaking weight off of himself layer by layer. By the time they crossed into New Hampshire, his brother’s breathing seemed to relax, as well.

Now, in a field somewhere way off the beaten path, Fili turned his head to look at Kili’s profile.

“Thank you for coming with me, Kili. I wasn’t sure that you would.”

For a moment, Kili didn’t respond. Then, he took a deep breath and turned to look at his older brother. “I wasn’t sure you really wanted me to come.”

Of everything he had been expecting Kili to say, that was definitely not on any of the lists.

“Of course I really wanted you to come,” Fili said quietly. “I wouldn't have asked if I wasn’t sure this was something we both needed.”

Kili huffed a breath and returned to staring up at the stars. “Everyone seems to be so sure of what I need.”

“No, I’m not. The only thing I was sure of was that you needed to get away from home and everyone else there and I had the best chance of getting you to leave.”

“You’ve always had the best chance if you had just reached for me,” Kili said so softly that Fili was sure he wasn’t supposed to hear him.

“What happened, Kili? You’ve been so closed off and different since you came back. I can’t recall the last time you smiled.”

Kili shrugged. “Things change, Fili, and so did I. You did, too.”

“We used to talk about everything.” He couldn’t stop the note of sorrow that bled into his voice. “We never had any secrets between us before.”

“You should be grateful for those secrets, Big Brother. You don’t want to know all of the things in my head.”

Fili very much did want to know and maybe that would help him find a way to reconnect with his brother again. The last two years had been hard on both of them, but Fili was beginning to think that there were things he didn’t know about his brother since he had returned from his latest year and a half long stint in the Peace Corps where he had been stationed in Morocco this time.

The Peace Corps because his mother had thrown a hysterical fit when he had stated he wanted to go into the military like his grandfather, father, uncles, cousins, and Fili himself had. She didn't want to risk her youngest son going into combat zones like all of the other men in their family ran into.

“You don’t have to hide from me, Kee.”

Kili turned to look at him, and even in the dark, Fili could see the pain in his brother’s eyes. Pain and something else that he couldn’t readily identify.

“Yes I do, Fee. It’s bad enough I can’t escape the demons. I can at least protect you from having to live with them, too. I can keep them from hurting you.”

“Kee…”

“So what’s on the agenda for tomorrow?” Kili smoothly changed the subject as he returned to watching the sky.

Fili sighed recognizing what had become Kili’s new way of saying a subject was closed. He’d allow him to do this tonight, but over the next few weeks he planned to find out all of the things that his younger brother was hiding from him.

“The plan is to drive up through North Woodstock so we can hit up Lost River Gorge and Boulder Caves. You’d always said you wanted to go there one day.”

“I’m kind of shocked that you remembered that,” Kili said not looking back at him.

“Kili, I always remember everything you tell me.”

He saw Kili’s jaw clench for a moment. “Not everything.”

Fili sat up and turned fully to look at Kili, confused about that comment.

“What have I forgotten, Kili? Tell me so that I can apologize and fix it.”

For a moment it looked like Kili was trying to say something, but then he just shook his head.

“It’s not important.” He sat up and swung his legs around so he could slide off the hood of the truck. “I’ll be back in a few. I need to find a tree.”

*****

Their arrival and subsequent exploring of Boulder Caves had been every bit as enjoyable as Fili had hoped when he planned this trip. There had been a few times that his brother had hesitated at the mouths of a few of the caves, but gentle teasing from Fili had gotten him to enter them.

Kili seemed to enjoy exploring the caves together, but there was a wariness to him and Fili noticed that he was ever watchful like he was expecting something to happen.

“You need to relax and stop being so paranoid, Kili. The only things that will be jumping out at us from the shadows will be the bats.”

To his shock, Kili stiffened and looked around again. When he glanced past his brother Fili was surprised to see the silvery shine of moisture in Kili’s eyes and his lips had gone white.

“I don’t like bats,” he mumbled, shuffling away from his brother to the mouth of the cave.

Fili followed him outside, once again confused by the changes in his brother.

The walk along the Lost River Gorge and watching the water was a different experience than the caves had been. Kili seemed to enjoy walking along the paths and bridges and taking in the water. He still didn’t smile, but his eyes did lose a bit of that wary and guarded look that Fili had hated to see in his little brother.

“You kissed me for the first time at a waterfall,” Kili said out of the blue as they stood close enough to the railing to be sprayed by the falls. “Do you remember?”

Of course, he remembered. He remembered everything they ever did together.

“How could I forget? It was one of the best days of my life.”

“Mine, too.” Kili looked up from where he had been staring down into the gorge. “You left two weeks later.”

“I know.”

“I thought that was the worst day of my life,” he admitted.

“Kee…”

Kili shook his head. “Don’t. I knew that you would be going back. Leave doesn’t last forever. You couldn’t just not go back to your duty station. I’m not mad about you leaving, you have to know that.”

“But you are mad at me about something,” Fili guessed. “It’s why you have been so closed off since you came back home.”

Kili looked shocked and then regret filled his eyes. “No, I’m not mad at you, Fili. You made it back home in one piece.” He looked back into the depth of the gorge and the water that crashed into it. “A lot of people didn’t and not all of them were soldiers.”

Now Fili was even more confused. “Who didn’t make it back home in one piece, Kili?”

“Me.”

*****

Fili wasn’t able to sleep much when they stopped for the night. His mind kept repeating Kili’s last words about not everyone coming home whole and he kept seeing that pained and haunted -- yes, haunted -- look in his younger brother’s eyes. After all of these weeks, he’d finally found the right word to describe the new affect he was seeing in those amber-colored eyes he had loved all of his life.

What the hell had happened to Kili in Morocco? He’d sent letters saying how much good he was doing and how he really enjoyed the work. However, he was beginning to have doubts about how good it could have been when he had received this shadow of his brother back from there.

He was pulled from his thoughts by the sound of movement in the hotel room and then the feel of his bed dipping. He was quiet for a moment and then he felt the blanket being lifted as his brother crawled in next to him.

“Kili…”

“Please, Fili, let me stay. I won’t ask for anything else from you. I just… I need you right now. I need to feel something good and familiar close to me.”

This was the first time since he had returned home that his brother had been the one to reach out for affection from him. There was no way he was going to refuse or send him back to his own bed. Especially because not only did he want him close, but he couldn’t stand how broken and fearful that whispery voice in the darkness was.

He shifted, making more room for him and moving his arm so he could wrap it around his brother and hold him close like he had done so many times before.

“I would never send you away, Kee,” he said softly, allowing himself to drop a chaste kiss on his hair. “Stay as long as you need to.”

“Thank you.”

After a while, Fili finally allowed himself to sleep as he listened to the soft breathing of the one closest to his heart. There were a lot of things he didn’t know or understand, but he was more determined than ever to find the answers.

He was more determined than ever to find what had broken his brother and then he would put all of his pieces back together again.

*****

The next few days were spent driving around the states they passed through and stopping at random places along the road. Those stops were mostly filled with comfortable silence that was only broken when one of them would point out something or a random train of thought of Kili's would find a voice.

Fili took mental note of everything his brother said -- whether it seemed important or not. After all, that was one of the things he had learned first when he was beginning the path of military intelligence: even the smallest things could be an important detail later on.

The problem was that even when Kili spoke about things that happened when he was out of the country, Fili got the idea that he was giving him a carefully edited version of events. If this was all documented somewhere, there would be a lot of blacked-out parts and the word REDACTED in more than one paragraph.

Kili was in the Peace Corps, not undercover in some military or legal operation somewhere, so there was no reason he was forced to keep things secret or confidential. Therefore, there must be a more personal reason he was leaving out details of his life the last several months as they spoke.

“I'm not going to hate you or abandon you if you met someone else, Kee,” Fili finally said one night while they were stopped somewhere north of Philadelphia to grab something to eat. The words were like acid in his throat, but he forced himself to say them, trying to reassure Kili that he could tell him anything and everything.

Kili seemed to pale under the fluorescent lights as he stared at Fili. “What?”

“If you found someone else and you're in love with them… I'm not going to be angry or pull away from you. We'll always be brothers and no one can take that away from us.”

Some emotion that he couldn't identify bled into Kili's eyes as he stared at Fili. “Is that what you did?”

“What? No! No, I haven't found anyone.”

Fili was very confused about how this conversation was going.

“I just meant that if that was the reason that you weren't telling me more about your time in Morocco, then you don't need to worry. I only want you to be happy, Kee. That's all I have ever wanted… no matter who it is with.”

The last part of that speech was so far from the truth that Fili was surprised he wasn't suddenly struck by lightning.

“Morocco,” Kili said slowly as if it was an unfamiliar word in his mind.

“Where you were with your group the last two years?” Fili prompted, not liking the reaction he was seeing in his brother. “You said that you were loving it there.”

“Morocco,” Kili repeated before sliding out of the booth and bolting for the door.

Fili stared after him with his mouth open before he shook his head and left the booth. He stopped to pay for their dinner and then headed out to the parking lot to find his brother leaning against the side of the truck.

It was Kili's turn to drive so Fili went to drop the keys in his hand, but Kili twisted his wrist and grabbed onto his hand before he could take it back.

“You… there's never been anyone else, Fili. Never ever. I just…” He released his hand. “I needed you to know that.”

He unlocked the truck and got behind the steering wheel, leaving Fili to gather his emotions again and climb into the passenger side.

“Kili…”

“I can't,” he whispered, his hands clenching the steering wheel so tightly that his knuckles turned white. “Please don't ask me.”

Fili sighed, leaning back against the seat. “For now, Kili. For now. But I will find out what it is you're hiding from me.”

“I wouldn't count on that if I were you.” He started the engine and sighed, focusing on the scene through the windshield. “Where to next?”

“Head south and we can trade out in six hours at Virginia Beach. We can even get a motel room there or wander the beach for a while if you feel like it.”

“Sounds good. You should try to get some sleep, Fili. You haven't been getting much rest since I returned home.”

“I'm military, Kili. I don't need a great deal of sleep any longer.”

“Sleep for me, then,” Kili murmured as he pulled the truck out of the parking lot and onto the road leading to the highway.

*****

Fili was sure he only closed his eyes for a few moments, which was why he was both confused and surprised when he noticed sunlight poking at his closed eyelids. He opened his eyes slowly and tried to adjust to the light shining in through the windshield.

Something tapped his shoulder and he looked to see Kili holding out his sunglasses to him. Frowning slightly, he took them and pulled them on before sitting up further in the seat and turning to his brother.

“Kili?”

“Hrmm?”

“This doesn’t look like Virginia.”

“Not really, no.”

“Which begs the question of where we are?”

“Uhm… about fifteen minutes from Atlanta.”

Now Fili stiffened and sat all the way up to give Kili his full attention.

“That’s twelve hours from where we were and six hours past where you were supposed to wake me up to relieve you.”

Kili shrugged. “It’s fine, Fili,” he explained softly. “You didn’t stir or wake up even a little bit when I stopped for gas so I figured you needed the sleep more than you thought you did.”

“You drove all night. I didn’t mean for you to do that.”

“I said it was fine, Fili, and since I wasn’t the least bit tired I was happy to keep driving. It was nice.”

“We’re spending a few days in Atlanta, Kili. We’re going to play tourist and you’re going to take advantage of a nice hotel room for a few nights and sleep.”

A muscle flexed in Kili’s jaw. “We don’t have to do that. I’m fine and don’t feel tired at all.”

“You haven’t felt tired for the last four nights. You are going to sleep before you collapse if I have to drug you with sleep meds myself.”

Kili didn’t say anything but his shoulders hunched inward like he was trying to hide or shield himself. It was just one more thing for Fili to take note of about Kili to ask him about.

After stopping to check into the hotel room Fili reserved from his phone and drop off their bags, the two men headed out into the city to start exploring the area in great detail.

Their first stop -- and the place Fili knew they would probably stay the longest at -- was the Fernbank Museum of Natural History.

History had always been a favorite of his brother’s and Fili was glad that it looked like this was one thing that had not changed. They went through as many of the different exhibits they had time for and Fili loved watching some of the light come back into Kili’s eyes as they meandered through the dinosaur exhibits and then through A Walk Through Time In Georgia.

By the time the museum was closing, it had gotten dark so they decided they would have dinner before heading back to the hotel. They had an easy time over dinner just chatting about the museum and it took some of the stress off of Fili’s mind.

That stress came right back when they were in their hotel room getting ready for bed. The lights were out and Fili could feel himself beginning to drift off when Kili’s voice whispered across to him.

“Fili?”

“Yeah, Kili?”

“I wasn’t in Morocco this time.” There was a heaviness in the words that had Fili concerned.

“Where were you, then?”

The silence was so long that Fili was convinced that Kili had fallen asleep and wasn’t going to respond to his question. However, when the answer finally came, Fili felt like his entire body was suddenly submerged in ice water.

“Afghanistan.”

“What… what in the hell were you doing in a war zone? The Peace Corps hasn’t had operations there since 1979!”

There was a short huff from Kili’s side of the room. “What did you do, look up countries the Peace Corps would be active in?”

“I sure as hell did! When you first joined up I wanted to know that you weren’t at risk of being sent somewhere that would be fucking dangerous!” Fili took a deep breath. “I knew that with me deployed to who knows where at the time I wouldn’t be reachable if anything happened and I needed to know the risks involved to you.”

“Trying to look out for me long distance?”

“Of course I did. You’re the most important person in my life.”

“You can’t protect me from everything, Fili.”

“I can fucking try!”

Kili was quiet for several moments and then sighed. “Get some sleep, big brother. This is not the kind of conversation to have in the dark when we’ve been going all day.”

“We will have this conversation tomorrow, little brother.” This time Fili spoke in a tone that brooked no argument.

Kili didn’t respond so Fili assumed that his point was made and they were finally going to get to the bottom of several things.

*****

When Fili opened his eyes, he wasn’t aware of what had woken him up so suddenly. He lay on the bed, his breathing slow and quiet as he tried to get himself centered. Usually, he was fully cognizant immediately after waking up, but the stress of the last few days still had him feeling a little groggy and slow.

When he heard a far too familiar noise that he hadn’t heard in a long time, he was sitting straight up in bed and reaching to turn on the lamp.

The sobbing sound came again and Fili threw the blankets off of him as he scrambled to Kili’s bed. What he saw broke his heart.

Kili was obviously caught in the grips of a terrible nightmare if the way he was fighting against the covers were any indication. He seemed to be covered in sweat and the tears on his face even in his sleep cut Fili to the quick.

Looking at him, Fili noticed that one of Kili’s arms had become tangled in the sheets and it was seeing him pulling at his arm while crying that caused him to reach for his brother. However, to his surprise, his light touch caused Kili to flinch away, ducking his head. That would have been hard enough, but the sudden murmurs coming from Kili in the midst of his nightmare made Fili want to cry himself.

“Please… please don’t. Please. Just let me go.”

Fili sat on the bed, whispering to his brother as he tried to calm and comfort him.

“Kee… Kili, wake up. You’re safe, I promise. I’m here and no one is going to hurt you.”

Fili had seen this kind of behavior before -- when his unit would rescue civilians or prisoners from enemy territories and he really wanted to know why in the hell he was seeing this behavior from his brother.

He ran a finger gently down Kili’s face from his temple to his cheek. He had done this so many times when they were kids to soothe him and get him to wake up. He kept with the soothing movements and the whispering until he sensed the change in Kili and watched his eyes blink open slowly.

“Welcome back, love.”

“Fili?”

“You were having a nightmare and a pretty bad one at that.”

Kili sighed and closed his eyes. “Oh.”

“How long have these nightmares been happening, Kili?”

“Doesn’t matter. They’re just stupid nightmares.”

“Yes it does matter and from the way it had you trapped I’m guessing they stem from real life experiences.”

“You and your military intelligence stuff.”

“I’ve tried to be patient and not push too hard for answers since you returned home more of a shadow than a man, Kili. But seeing you like you have been has not been something that I can keep handling.”

“Do you need me to leave?”

“No, you idiot. You need to talk to me and quit evading my questions and changing the subject on me when we’re talking about things.”

“I’m trying --”

“No, you’re not. You’re hiding and running and I want to know why.” Fili watched as Kili seemed to deflate in front of him and he asked the question again. “How long have you been having the nightmares, Kili?”

“Since I was released from the hospital.”

Fili felt like Kili had just punched him. “Hospital?”

“Yeah. I can control them sometimes with my medication, but I ran out before we left and I didn’t want to put off our chance to leave while I was waiting for the refills to come in and be approved.” He pushed himself into a sitting position. “Is there any alcohol left? This is not a story to be shared while sober.”


	2. Chapter 2

While Fili had retrieved the requested alcohol, Kili had gotten dressed and moved from the bed to the table in the hotel room. There was a pack of cigarettes and a lighter in front of him and he had a lit one held between two fingers. He looked like he was staring into space and Fili cleared his throat to regain his attention.

“Let’s start at the beginning so you get the complete picture of events,” Kili started slowly. “You’re not going to like it, but if you recall, I did try to keep this away from you.”

“So noted,” Fili commented wryly.

“Two years ago, I left the Peace Corps when I was recruited by one of the members of an organization called Mercy Corps. They’re kind of like the Peace Corps but the biggest differences are that they are an internationally run outfit and they operate right in the middle of some of the most unstable regions out there.” Kili took a drag off of his cigarette. “This appealed to me because I wanted to do some real good for people who were not in the best places in this world. Mom and everyone else were so against me following in the family footsteps with the military, so this seemed like the next best thing.”

“And so this organization shipped you off to Afghanistan of all fucking places?”

“We were needed, Fili. Our soldiers could only do so much before they hit a wall and that’s where we came in.”

“They sent civilians into a fucking war zone!” They sent the person who was his _everything_ into that war zone.

“Sometimes, non-military people are the ones needed in order to make headway in volatile situations. We were there because we weren’t soldiers and that was why the locals trusted us and accepted our help.”

Fili ran a hand over his face. “You should have told at least me,” he murmured, trying not to be hurt that Kili had lied to him along with everyone else in their family. He had never done that before.

“I couldn’t do that to you because I knew you would worry and stress about my safety instead of yours,” Kili countered. “Fuck, Fee… you were going into known combat zones and couldn’t afford to lose your focus. If something had happened to you because of your mind being focused on me instead of your missions it would have killed me.”

Fili hated it, but he had to admit that Kili was right. If he had been aware of where Kili was, it would have been next to impossible for him to focus. When it came to matters of Kili’s well-being he just was not able to compartmentalize things. He sighed, waving his hand for Kili to continue his story.

“For the first eighteen months, everything was fine. We moved from location to location doing what we had been hired to do. The work and the terrain were both hard as hell, but it was also rewarding.” He lit another cigarette and Fili noticed that his hands were starting to shake a little bit.

“The hospital?” Fili prompted softly.

“I’ll get there. I have to tell the story in order or I will not be able to do this.”

“Do what?”

“Try to get you to understand why it is so hard for me to answer your questions.”

Fili clenched his jaw but said nothing. Kili needed to tell him everything that happened so he had an idea of how to help him.

Kili took a long drink from one of the bottles Fili provided, not even bothering with a glass. He was turned towards his brother, but Fili could see from the look in his eyes that he didn’t see him.

“Around month nineteen, things started getting really tense where we were. It was about fifty miles south of Kabul and uprisings from different extremist groups in the area were escalating. We knew we needed to leave and soon, but it takes time to pack up an entire group like ours with people and supplies. That last night, we were finally all packed up and ready to leave, but the supervisor decided that it was too dangerous to travel so close to dark so we were forced to stay one more night.” Kili huffed a harsh sound that might have been a laugh or a sob and drew in another breath as he took a drag from the cigarette. “That one more night made all of the fucking difference to our outfit. There were twelve of us in our unit that night. Two months later, only four of us remained.”

That definitely took the air out of Fili’s lungs and he sat back against the chair staring at his brother. “Four… out of a twelve-man unit?!” That kind of devastation was almost unknown to him outside of combat in a hot zone. “Kee… what happened?”

Kili took another drink and then pushed the bottle to Fili. Something in his younger brother’s eyes told him he was going to need it so he took a drink.

“Our camp was attacked that night. I don’t know exactly what group was responsible. I don’t think anyone does. There were a lot of explosions, screaming, and gunfire. I was trying to help evacuate some of the locals when I was hit by something and everything went black around me.”

Fili clenched his hand around the bottle so hard that his knuckles turned white. Kili looked at him and his mouth twisted in a small grimace. 

“Do you want me to stop?”

Fili shook his head. “No. I need to know so I can understand.”

“I don’t think you ever will because there are still times that I don’t understand.” Kili sighed and looked down at his hands. “When I came back around again, it was dark and I realized pretty quickly it was because something had been put over my head. I couldn’t move my hands, but I could taste blood in my mouth and my head hurt like hell. I could hear men yelling and talking but I didn’t understand what they were saying. They weren’t speaking the Arabic dialect that I had become fluent at.”

He swallowed, aware that Fili was completely focused on him but unable to lift his head to meet his eyes.

“I broke, Fili. I didn’t know until much later that I had been a captive for two months. I wasn’t aware of the passing of time because, until that last day, I was always in the dark. In my mind, it had only been a handful of days between when I was taken and when they were going to execute me.”

Fili felt nothing but horror over the fact that his beloved Kili had been in that kind of a situation. Hell, he never wanted soldiers to be captured because he could only imagine what kind of things were done to them before they died or were rescued. The idea that his brother had been one of those prisoners killed something deep within his soul.

“What do you mean when you say you broke, Kee?”

“Just that, Fili.” His voice was so full of self-loathing that it pained Fili to hear it. “After a few days of their _attention_ , I broke. I could no longer be strong and face the circumstances. I was scared. I cried and begged them not to kill me. I was so scared and knew I was never going to see you again and you would never know what happened to me. I was terrified that you would be one of the soldiers that would find my body if you guys stormed their camp.” He didn’t seem to notice the tears that were falling onto his hands as he stared down at them. “I’m sorry, Fee. I’m so sorry.”

Fili was so shocked by the apology that he stared at Kili in silence for a moment before his brain engaged and he was dropping to his knees in front of his brother. He placed his hands over Kili’s shaking ones, concerned by how cold they seemed to be.

“Kee… Kili, what are you apologizing to me for?” It didn’t make any sense.

“For letting you down.” Fili could feel his eyes widen. “For not being stronger for longer. For not being able to be braver when they put the rope around my neck.”

_The rope around his neck…?_

Fili squeezed Kili’s hands when the explanation of what that meant crashed into his mind.

_“They tried to hang you?!”_

He tried so hard to keep his voice calm and soothing but the horror at that mental image filled his voice.

Kili sniffled and then nodded. “Yes, they hung me and my body was supposed to swing there for anyone that came to raid them could see. The soldiers that found me had no idea when they were cutting me down that I was still alive. There are some scars around my throat and neck from their torture and then the hanging. Not even the hospital doctors could figure out how I survived.”

Fili stared at him in horror as the pain of what could have happened swirled around his heart. Shaking, he suddenly lurched up, his hands running lightly along Kili’s neck, tears burning his eyes as his fingers came in contact with the ridges of the scars his brother had mentioned. His fingers followed the scars along the side of his neck and around to the front of his throat.

“Kili… Kili… Kee…”

It was almost impossible to say anything besides his brother’s name for several long moments. He couldn’t believe how close he came to losing the person he loved more than his own life. What would have happened if those soldiers hadn’t have found him in time to cut him down and save his life?

He could feel Kili shaking beneath his gentle touches and he wanted to weep at the pain and fear his little brother had gone through. It was made even worse when he thought about how alone Kili had been throughout this whole thing. He pulled back to look at Kili and his heart broke, even more, when he saw the tears making tracks down his face.

He moved his hands, cradling that beloved face between them, pulling him close so that he could press their foreheads together.

“I love you,” he murmured. “I love you and I am so grateful that you survived and made it back to me.”

He moved, dipping his head to press his lips firmly against Kili’s. He felt Kili start to tremble more and he wrapped one arm around him. “Let me in, love.”

Kili trembled again and then with an almost silent sigh, his lips parted beneath Fili’s even as one hand clutched his shirt tightly.

Fili made a soft sound and then his lips were pressed more to Kili’s as he mapped the inside of Kili’s mouth with his tongue. It had been so long since they had last done this, but it was still familiar and Fil remembered very well how to kiss Kili in a way that made the other man press closer to him and kiss him back.

When Kili responded and started kissing him back in earnest, Fili let some of his tension ease. He pulled Kili closer to him and deepened the kiss.

This… this is what made his world carry on. This was what kept him going anytime he had been in a hellhole he wouldn't wish on anyone. The memory of this body in his arms and these lips moving in tandem with his had been one of the things that had helped him keep his focus.

It was only when they were both struggling for air that Fili ended the kiss and pulled back. He lifted a hand to brush Kili’s hair back and then wiped away some of the tears.

“Listen to me, Kili,” he said softly but seriously. “You are so much stronger than you are giving yourself credit for. I have seen hostages that didn’t make it two days, much less two months. In a horrible situation like that, time really doesn’t exist beyond holding on something -- anything -- to survive. Extremists, terrorists, criminals, they know so much about hurting people and destroying lives, but they know very little about the spirit of survival that most of their victims or prisoners have deep within them. By not dying, you defeated them and proved you were so much stronger than them.”

“I cried,” he whispered. “Then it got to the point that I was praying to die in my sleep. I’m so scared to be in the dark that I panic when there is no light around at all. I was and am a coward.”

“No, you were not and are not!” Fili’s voice was firm as he stroked his brother’s hair. “Does anyone but me know about this?”

“Tori knows, but that’s because she’s also with Mercy and the notification of the attack went to all other groups so they could be pulled out of the country. When I woke up in the hospital she was there. I don’t know if she told Legolas or the rest of her family, though.”

“Is this why you’ve been avoiding the family and have been withdrawn and isolating yourself?”

For several long moments Kili was silent and then he finally nodded. “All of you guys have served in the military so proudly and have always been so fucking brave and bold with anything you have faced. How do you think everyone would have reacted to the fact that I not only allowed myself to be taken prisoner but that I also broke down?”

“First of all, you didn’t _allow_ anything. You had no control over what happened to you. Kili, out of the entire family, only Thror was ever taken prisoner. Remember? He was a POW in Korea and he told us so many horror stories of the things he saw. He would understand you and how you’re feeling. None of the rest of us have ever experienced what you did but we still love you and would be proud you survived.” He kissed Kili’s hand. “The rest of us have all been combat trained and conditioned in what to do if we are ever in that kind of situation. Do you know how fucking amazing it is that you, a civilian with no combat training or instruction on how to handle things like that, fucking survived to tell about it?! Not many civilians would be able to do that. I can only imagine how grandfather will react when he finds out what you were put through.”

Kili sniffled. “I’m not whole, Fili. I feel so completely broken. I can't be alone in the dark. I can’t sleep without the meds and sometimes I get lost in my own mind. Like, I created this whole world to escape from what was happening. You, Thorin, Frerin, Gimli… you guys have always been so brave and amazing.”

“None of us have ever been through what you have, Kili. None of us have been tortured or hung. We’ve seen combat, but that is nowhere near the hell you have gone through.” He swallowed, his touch gentling. “Kili… what did they do to you?”

“I can’t… I can’t right now, Fili. Please, it’s too much.”

Fili nodded, pulling him close. “All right. No more for tonight, but you are going to make a promise that you will try a little each day.” Kili started to protest, but Fili placed a gentle finger against his lips. “No. You cannot continue to keep all of that bottled inside you and letting it destroy you from within. A little each day so I can try to understand and I can help you when the memories ride you so hard.”

Now that he knew his brother was dealing with what looked like horrible PTSD alone he wasn’t going to leave him on his own with this.

“It means that much to you?”

Most people might feel bad about the fact they could manipulate someone by using their feelings to get them to do what they wanted. Fili refused to feel bad for knowing Kili would do almost anything to make him happy. If this was the only way to help his brother than he would damn well do it.

“Yes, Kee. It means that fucking much to me.”

Kili sighed. “I’ll try, then.”

*****

Long after Kili was finally sleeping, Fili lay awake on the hotel bed staring up at the ceiling. He had left the bathroom door slightly open with the light on so that it wasn’t so dark. If he had only known… So many things he had noticed since his brother’s return were now beginning to make sense. Like how he was always so tense and nervous when the sun went down. Or his reactions and actions during the time they had been exploring the caves.

_And Fili had teased him about it._

He ran his hand through his hair, tugging lightly. To know that his beloved Kili had been dealing with all of this made him feel so damned low and guilty. Why hadn’t he pushed harder to get Kili to talk to him much sooner?

He looked down at where Kili’s black hair was tumbled wildly around his face and the pillow next to him. When he had finally convinced Kili to try sleeping again, he had pulled him onto his bed and held him close for a long time. After he had fallen asleep, Fili had kissed the top of his head and laid awake holding him for quite some time.

When Kili sighed in his sleep and turned over onto his side facing the bathroom light, Fili carefully got up from the bed. He didn’t want to leave Kili’s side, but he also didn’t want to wake him up and he needed desperately to speak to someone.

He grabbed his cell phone and Kili’s cigarettes and then slipped out of the room. He walked to his truck and leaned against it in a position that he could see the door of the hotel room as he dialed a number.

_“What’s wrong?”_

Fili huffed at the voice on the other end of the phone. “What makes you think something is wrong?”

_“Because you are calling me at 4 o’clock in the morning on my private cell phone so that no one would hear the house phone and answer it before I can get to it.”_

Fili sighed. “I’ll give you that. I need to ask you something. What do you know about an organization called Mercy Corps?”

There was a long moment of silence on the other end of the line. _“Why?”_

“Because Kili has been part of them for the last two years. So has Tauriel. Well, I don’t know how long Tori has been with them, but Kili says he was with them for two years.”

Fili pulled the phone away from his ear as a long list of creative expletives burst through the line. Fili blinked and then put the phone back to his ear when it tapered off.

“Feel better?”

_“No,”_ the word was followed by a sigh. _“For the most part, they are not a bad organization and have done a lot of good work when no one else could. However, in recent years some of the newest supervisors are dangerous and couldn’t find their asshole with both hands tied behind their backs.”_

“Fuck.”

_“Fili.”_

It was only his name, but the tone behind it was clearly demanding answers.

“Kili was in Afghanistan for at least 21 months -- maybe more as I don’t know yet which hospital he was in before he came home.”

_“He what?! They had him in a war zone?! Where?”_

“His last station was in a village about fifty miles south of Kabul.”

_“Godfuckingdamnit!”_

Once again, Fili was impressed at the collection of expletives coming through the line to his ear.

“There’s more.”

_“Of course there is.”_ The man on the other end of the line sighed. _“What is it?”_

This was where Fili’s voice started shaking as the tears he had fought to control with Kili became overwhelming.

“His unit was made up of twelve main workers. Kili is one of four that are still alive.”

_“Oh my god.”_ The man on the other end allowed his voice to drop. _“Poor Kili. Was the village shelled?”_

“No. Worse. It was attacked by extremists.” Fili swallowed hard. “Thorin… Kili was a prisoner for over two months. Then, they tried to execute him by hanging him. All I know so far is that they hung him… they hung my brother and the soldiers that found him had no idea he was still alive.”

Fili heard something crash and then the undeniable sound of shattering glass. He waited silently for several minutes as his uncle roared, and raged, and destroyed things on the other end of the line. He had expected this kind of reaction. It was one he wished he could afford to have, but he couldn’t explode around Kili. Not now after knowing part of what he had been through.

When Thorin spoke again, he was out of breath and his voice was rough, but Fili could hear the heavy sorrow in it. 

_“Come home. Bring him back to us so we can help him.”_

“Not yet. There’s more to what happened and he is finally fighting his panic to talk to me.” He paused. “Thorin, he’s got himself convinced that we’re all going to be disappointed in him and ashamed of him.”

_“What?! Why the hell would he think that? He’s a fucking civilian and he fucking survived when so many wouldn’t have.”_

“He’s blaming himself for getting taken and for not handling it better than he did.”

_“What does it matter how he handled it?! He’s alive.”_

“I know,” Fili whispered. “He’s hurting and really messed up Thorin.”

_“Oh, Kili…”_

“I need you to gather the others and tell them. They need to be prepared for when we finally come back and I think it would break Kili permanently if he has to tell his story too many times.” He swallowed again, not able to keep the tears out of his voice. “I don’t know how much worse it may get.” 

_“I’ll take care of it,”_ Thorin assured him. _“I’ll gather the Greenleafs and Evanstons as well. We’re all friends and family and the more support Kili has the more we can help him heal.”_ He sighed. _“And we can find out if Tauriel ever went through things she may not have told her family, too.”_

“Thank you, Thorin.” He wiped his eyes. “I need to get back to him before he wakes up and freaks out about me being gone.”

“Go take care of your brother, Fili. Keep me informed so I can work on things here.”

“I will.”

_“Don’t forget to take care of yourself, as well.”_

“I’ll try. I am more focused on him right now.”

_“You always are.”_

Fili hung up the phone and returned to the room, relieved to see Kili was still asleep. He shucked off his pants and got back into the bed, pulling Kili into his arms.

“I promise no one will ever hurt you again.”


	3. Chapter 3

The next day, Fili decided that they should get away from the city. They technically still had the hotel for two more nights, but he thought that Kili would enjoy heading out to their next destination. His brother seemed to be a little more at ease sometimes when he wasn't surrounded by people on every side.

“Where are we going?” Kili asked as he placed his bag in the back of the truck.

“I figured we could go ahead and head down to St. Simons Island and maybe continue to Jekyll Island after that. It's still nice enough at night that we can camp out in the bed of the truck or the tent if we can't get a room.”

Kili nodded. “St. Simons has the lighthouse and Jekyll has the turtle center… right?”

Fili smiled and nodded. “Yep, those are the places.”

“Dream destinations we discussed when we were kids,” Kili murmured. “Then we grew up.”

Fili shook his head even as he wanted to reach out and pull him close due to the sadness in Kili's voice. “Age doesn't matter when it comes to dreams and destinations, Kili. We're just finally at a point in both of our lives that we can do the traveling we have always wanted to do.”

“I never thought that I would ever get the chance to see those places,” he admitted as he looked down at his feet. “I thought…”

“I can only imagine,” Fili murmured as he gave in to his need and pulled Kili close. “But you're here, with me, and step by step you'll get yourself back.”

Kili dropped his head on Fili's shoulder and tried not to cling to him. “I wish I could believe that.”

Fili turned his head and kissed his brother's temple. “It's ok, Kee. I'll believe it enough for both of us.”

“I’m sorry I’m so messed up and making things so hard on you.”

“Sssh. You’re not doing anything wrong, love. We’re going to help you heal together.”

“What if… what if I don’t heal?”

“Then we’ll adapt and help you build your life in a new way.”

Kili sniffled against his shoulder. “You deserve better. You don’t need a broken person in your life.”

Fili tightened his arms around him. “I need _you_ , Kili. I don’t want anyone else.”

“I don’t know how to be normal, Fili. I keep trying to reach and remember… but I can’t.”

“You’re not alone, love. I’m here for it all and everyone else will be, too.”

“I don’t… I can’t… telling them will be too much. I’m not even sure I can tell you.”

“You can tell me first and I’ll take care of the rest.”

“You have no idea what you might be taking on.”

“I don’t care about that. I love you and I want to be here to help stitch you back together.”

“And if I say I don’t want you to?”

Fili laughed humorlessly, keeping his arms around his brother. “I’ll tell you that you’re lying to both of us.”

“Damn it.” He sighed. “I don’t want you to end up resenting me or hating me for not being the person I’m expected to be or that you remember. I can survive anything but that.”

“That will not happen, Kili. Not ever.”

*****

The drive to their island destinations was a pretty good trip in Fili's eyes. Kili didn't shy away so much and a few times Fili was even able to hold onto his hand while he was driving. His brother still looked haunted and tentative about things sometimes, but now he was a little more engaged and responsive.

“I get angry sometimes,” Kili said about an hour into their drive. “I get angry about the things they took from me...how they changed me. I'll never get those pieces back.”

“You have every right to be angry, Kee. Hell, I’m pissed off and I wasn't even there.”

“Stop that,” Kili murmured.

“Stop what?”

Kili's lips twisted. “Feeling guilty that it was me instead of you.”

“I don't know how to do that, Kili. I hate that I failed to keep you safe.”

“Fili… it's not your job to protect me from the world.” His voice was soft, but his fingers tightened around Fili's. “I know you have always wanted to be in charge of my safety, but you could never have put your life on hold to do so. You were living and making a path for yourself and I was trying to do the same thing.”

Fili sighed. “Kili…”

“No, listen to me.” He turned to look at Fili. “You were becoming an amazing soldier and I was so happy and proud of you. With everyone so adamant against me following the family tradition and enlisting as well, I had to search for other options.”

“College? Your acting? God damn, Kili, you're so talented and could have gone anywhere.”

“You and I both know no one wanted me to follow that dream.”

“I did. Thorin and Frerin did. Thror did. Thrain is just a judgemental fucking asshole and mom…”

“Mom thought her dad was right and I needed something more to make a career of.”

“The rest of us didn't want that. When you said you were postponing college to do the Peace Corps, we figured you would do it for four or five years and then we could work to convince you to follow your dream.” He swallowed. “Then when you came home it was hard enough getting you to talk about anything that we were at a loss of how to bring it up.”

“I didn't mean to make things hard on you when I returned.” His voice filled with guilt again. Guilt that had Fili lifting their joined hands to his mouth so he could kiss Kili's hand. “I just… there was so much pain and fear in my head and there still is. So many things I felt guilty and ashamed about so I thought just hiding it all of the time would make things better for everyone.”

“But it didn't. We knew something was really wrong with you and that you were hurting and different. We knew something was taking you further and further away from us.”

“I'm sorry.”

“There is nothing for you to apologize for. I should have tried harder to get through to you a lot sooner.”

“It wouldn't have helped. I was too messed up to respond to anything.”

“And now?”

“I… I don't know,” He admitted quietly. “I'm still messed up, maybe I always will be.”

“But?” Because with the hesitation Fili knew there was an unspoken _but_ in there somewhere.

“But maybe I might be able to find a way to respond.”

Fili didn't answer, just lifted Kili's hand to his lips again.

*****

Fili wasn't sure how much time had passed since they had both gone quiet again when he felt the tentative touch of Kili's hand along the inside of his thigh. He didn't turn to look at his brother, fearing that if he did, Kili would pull away. 

That was the very last thing he wanted.

Instead, he did his best to focus on driving and pretending that those shy touches were not something that he wanted more of. After a few moments, it seemed he had made the right choice when that hand gently squeezed the inside of his thigh.

Fili tried to bite back his disappointment when it felt like Kili was moving away again. He shouldn't miss that touch so much, but on the other hand, he would take Kili reaching out to touch him without feeling he had to ask first as a hopeful sign. 

All of those thoughts fled his mind when he felt Kili's hand again -- this time moving slowly along the zipper of his jeans. He focused his eyes straight ahead on the road but did shift slightly to open his legs a little and give Kili some more room. At this point, he was content to let Kili do whatever he felt like doing right now.

When he felt Kili's hand rest against his crotch -- where his cock had decided to take a definite interest in the proceedings -- Fili had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from making a sound that might have been embarrassing.

“Fi… can I…?”

Hearing the hesitation and the fear of rejection in Kili's voice broke his heart all over again. He opened his legs a little more invitation but when Kili didn't move, he realized his brother really was waiting for permission. As if he _needed_ to even ask? Didn't Kili realize that he would never reject him or push him away?

_No,_ he reminded himself sorrowfully. _Things were done to him overseas that have left him wounded and unsure of everything._

“Yes,” he said, trying not to make it sound like he was demanding anything. “Gods, Ki, you can touch or do whatever you want to.”

Granted, some things could be dangerous while they were driving, but he had time to think of a way to postpone anything like that until they were parked without making it sound like a rejection.

Fili held his breath for a moment, waiting to see what Kili would decide to do. That breath exited him in a soft sigh when he felt him start to rub and then squeeze his building erection through his jeans. God, how long… how long had it been since he had felt this; since he had felt that questing hand against any part of him?

For the first time since they had started this trip, Fili cursed himself for the drive and for checking out of the last hotel ahead of time. He would have given anything for them to be safe in a room somewhere so he could have Kili spread out before him on a bed and he could take all of the time in the world to worship him and reassure him of how much he was still loved and desired by him.

He clenched his hands on the steering wheel as he felt Kili undo the button to his jeans and slowly pull his zipper down. When he felt Kili’s hand slide between his skin and the fabric of his underwear, Fili couldn’t prevent the shiver that went down his spine.

“I never…” Kili seemed to be struggling with a lot of emotion. “I didn’t think I would ever be able to see or touch you again.” He swallowed. “I don’t know if I…”

Unable to bear how sad and unsure his brother sounded, Fil decided to help show him how much his touch was wanted and had been missed. He reached down with one of his hands and closed Kili’s hand around his erection. Kili let out a breath, even as he began to squeeze a little more firmly.

When Kili started stroking and twisting his wrist as he focused on what he was doing, Fili huffed a breath, feeling another shudder of sensation moving through his body.

What he wouldn’t give for a hotel or a campsite right about now.

*****

They were laying on the beach watching the waves when Kili started speaking again.

“It was never sexual, the torture, I mean,” He murmured sitting up and drawing his knees up to his chest and staying focused on the water. “Maybe it might have gotten to that point if they had thought they had more time to destroy us.”

Fil turned on his side to look at Kili. He didn’t say anything, just let his brother tell him what he could. He knew, now, that the best way to get Kili to get everything out was to not interrupt when he started trying to articulate everything in his head.

“I know you were worried about that in the truck on our way here. That they had hurt me in _that way_ and it was why I wasn’t sure what to do beyond wanting to touch you.” Kili bit his lip. “So much has happened and changed that when I reached for you, I felt a new kind of panic in my chest. I didn’t think I had the right to want to touch you like that ever again and that I should pull back and away.”

He couldn’t let that go without saying something to reassure him. “You will always, always have the right to touch me in any way you want to, Kili. They do not get to take that away from you. You’re mine and I’m yours and no one but us can ever change that.”

“I know that.”

“Do you?”

Kili huffed and then sighed. “Most of the time? In my heart, I know it beyond any doubt. In my head…”

“The head fucks with you because of what was done. Next time you doubt what you mean to me, you reach out to me and you’ll find I’m here to reassure you and chase away at least those demons.”

“I have scars,” Kili whispered. “They made sure of it.” He tightened his arms around his legs. “They seemed to take great pleasure in hurting us… see how much we could take before we were crying or screaming.”

A new shock of pain hit his chest again. “Where?”

“A few places. There are more on my back than any other place because they had more room to play.”

Fil sat up and moved behind his brother. “May I?”

Kili was still and silent for several minutes and then finally he nodded.

Fili let out a relieved breath and smoothed his hands down Kili’s back in a soothing gesture. He could feel Kili trembling and unlike when they were intimate in any way, these were not good shakes. He was scared of Fili’s reaction and afraid of what he would say or think.

“I love you, Ki. Nothing can ever change that. I don’t care how many scars they may have left, you will always be beautiful and perfect to me.”

“You don’t know. You haven’t seen.”

“Doesn’t matter. I know how you look and what you mean to me.” He ran his hands down his back again and then slowly and gently, lifted Kili’s t-shirt so he could reveal his back to his sight.

Nothing could have prepared him for what he was now looking at. He let out a breath, a feeling of horror washing through him as he stared at the evidence of so much pain carved in stark relief across Kili’s back. From above his shoulders and down to his lower back every inch seemed to be displaying lines of scarring in different widths and lengths.

Swallowing the desire to throw up, he gently traced some of the scars and realized that Kili was holding himself so tense it had to be hurting him. Wanting to cry, he swallowed a few times, trying to say the right words.

“Kili…”

“Blades of some kind braided into leather strips connected to a pipe or a baton of some kind,” he murmured. “Like a cat o’nine tails flogger from hell.”

He would not cry. He would not rage. He would not do anything that would cause Kili to feel any worse than he had already been feeling.

Instead, he ducked his head and dropped light kisses along Kili’s back. He didn’t shy away from the scars but caught as many as he could with both his lips and gentle swipes of his tongue.

“F-Fili…”

He smiled against Kili’s flesh, glad to hear that his brother’s voice sounded less broken than it had earlier. “Yes, Kili?”

“What are you doing?”

“Loving you. Showing you that you are still so very beautiful to me.” 

Fili settled back down behind Kili, his legs on either side of Kili’s body. Once he was comfortable, he wrapped his arms around his brother and pulled him back against his chest. Once Kili relaxed against him, Fili moved his hand lower on Kili’s body. His movements were slow, gentle, a ghost of a touch over his groin, hovering over the material of his pants.

He dipped his head, running the tip of his tongue up the side of Kili’s neck to his ear, smiling softly at the whimper that he heard when he did so. “I want to touch you, love. I want to make you feel good. Can I?”

There was no hesitation on Kili’s part and he nodded immediately. “Please, Fi… remind me.”

Fili’s smile widened as he licked a stripe along Kili’s neck again, nipping lightly at his earlobe. He murmured accolades and words of love against Kili’s ear, telling him as many ways as he could think of how much he was loved. When he felt Kili relax against him even more, he moved his hand into the loose pants Kili was wearing and slid his fingers beneath his cock.

The moan that escaped the man in his arms was encouraging and he took the opportunity to gently free his brother’s cock from his pants so that he could grasp it more firmly in his hand. Leaning his head against Kili’s he began to slowly stroke him.

“God… it feels so good… I should…”

“You should just lean into me and enjoy this, love. I’ve missed touching you and pleasuring you every bit as much as you have missed me.”

Fili stroked Kili again, twisted his wrist and causing a soft whimper. He was in no hurry and was determined to take as much time as needed to drive his beloved Kili crazy with his movements. Even after all of this time, he knew every move, every twist to use and just how much pressure to use in order to turn Kili into a keening mess in his arms. When he stroked upward again, he flicked his thumb against the head of his cock even as he bit down on Kili’s neck. 

Kili moaned, long and drawn out as he felt Fili’s teeth in that spot where his shoulder and neck connected. It had always been one of his most sensitive spots, guaranteed to wind him up even further in a web of pleasure. He turned his head, nosing at Fili until he lifted his mouth from his neck so that Kili could kiss him.

As Fili’s hand tightened and sped up, Kili deepened the kiss. His moans were becoming hard to control and he sucked Fili’s tongue into his mouth, his feet planted in the sand for balance as he thrust up into Fili’s hand. He could feel his body shaking and he felt like he was coming apart as explosions of pleasure surged through his body.

Fili broke the kiss, his eyes opening to look into Kili’s eyes, blown wide with pleasure and sensation. “Let go, love. Let go and know I will always catch you.”

“Fi… Fi… Fili…”

“Yes, love, I’m here. Show me.”

Kili’s hips arched once more as he thrust into Fili’s tight hand and then he felt something let go and he was falling.

Fili rocked Kili in his arms as he came down again from the high of his orgasm. As little aftershocks went through him, he kept kissing his face, his neck, his hair. “I love you I love you I love you.”

Once Kili’s breathing had evened out, he opened his eyes to look into the blue eyes he loved so much. “I love you, too.”

 

*****

“Where are we going now,” Kili asked, his head resting against the back of the seat and his hand in Fili’s as they pulled out onto the freeway to leave South Carolina.

“I figured we could see how much mischief we could cause in thoroughbred country.”

Kili’s eyes lit up. “Kentucky?!”

Fili nodded with a grin. “Bifur has invited us to stay at the ranch for a few days.”

His brother smiled even as he closed his eyes. “Horses.”

It wasn’t long before Kili fell asleep and Fili let out a sigh. It had been an emotional day, but he believed that they had broken through at least one of the walls that had been built up around Kili.

There was still a long way to go and Fili had his own issues about what happened to Kili that he would need to deal with, but he had a lot more hope that his brother could be helped. The Kili he knew was still there, he just needed to keep encouraging him to come out and help him heal.

It wasn’t going to be easy, but there was plenty of highways to travel and they could take as much time as they needed.


End file.
